I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
what kind of cook setting is this??
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Huge, if true.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!