[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
You Might Also Like
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.