Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Found the job I’m suited for
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.