If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.