She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
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Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
#oldknees
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.