Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
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Jurassic park gets weird
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I put the p in pants.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*