a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
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Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
This is my brand.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables