Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
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I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.