Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry