‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
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I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs