Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
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HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
#FunnyLife Insects
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.