There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.