[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
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There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.