*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
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Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Oh boy, $150,000!
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.