Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
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If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Smile they said.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise