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Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
i think we should see other cousins
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share