I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
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Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
yall want some gasoline milk
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin