I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
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I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Not helping