Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
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Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Seems kinda suspicious
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.