I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
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PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke