[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
You Might Also Like
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it