Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
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Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene