@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
my name if I was in the mob
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*