him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
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A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.