Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
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*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Lmao
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”