I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad