When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
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CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*