I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
This trial is so absurd 😭
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.