Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
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If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Got him!
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
then why did i get this email