My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
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No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave