10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
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Rather alarming headline…
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people