how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
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Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
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