GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
what’s really going on
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right