Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.