Not all heroes wear capes…
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Saw online –
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same