A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
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My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”