Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
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Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
And bowling should be called pinball
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I have no passwords left in me
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.