the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
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Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.