Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
You Might Also Like
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?