[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
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Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.