Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
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If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Your honor these allegations are
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.