I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
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People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.