I hate my earbuds.
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thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
this is the best interaction on twitter
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
never forget