Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.