No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
You Might Also Like
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.