Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
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Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Blew my mind.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
This is no longer winter this is harassment