the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I am crying
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim