FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.