You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
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Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
A drum solo but on your face.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show