“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
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[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday